Just Words

I am just one person. One person, in one town, in one county, in one state, in one country, in one world. My spirit is unknown to almost all of these other people, small and unknown like me- each their own secret island, with treasures galore hiding under their skin. I am just one person. I have hopes, and fears, and quirks. I love, and worry, and sometimes even loathe. I find joy in stupid things and pretend about silly things, and I also cry and feel- like you. I might seem different and unfeeling to some, but there are many things going on in my head. Joy, confusion, pain- so many different emotions swirling around like a typhoon... sometimes I have to stand very still and squeeze my eyes shut, for I can't figure out if I'm getting dizzy from it. It's all spiraling out of my control, and I'm grinning at this, for I'm surfing among the chaos, wondering what's going to happen next. Why make yourself sick over this chaos? Everything, everyone is mental! Including you. Including me. I've accepted it with a steady grace. To follow my heart, to follow my dreams, that's the only wish I have. To be a nomad. I wish to do things differently. To see life as it is, the glorious mix of light and dark. To live!

Things That Worry Me and/or Freak Me Out

Robert when he cries.
The thought of being betrayed by someone I love.
My mother and brother when they don't talk to me.
Chickens.
Streets with hooligans on them.
Hooligans.
Mom dying.
Ashley dying.
Robert dying.
Avery dying.
Him dying.
Crying.
People seeing me cry.
People seeing me showing weakness.
Feeling un-needed.
Shrinks trying to analyze my lack of emotions other than amused.
Mormans.
And/or Religious fanatics.
Meth. Angel Dust.
Being stalked.
Being loved.
Being loved by someone I don't love back.
World hunger.
War.
Politics.
Being in love.
Being replaced by a pod person.
Being replaced.
Living with my mother.
Being alone for all eternity.
Panic attacks.
Being invisible.
His face when he's mad at me.
People walking away.

And most of all:

People figuring out that I'm nothing close to brave.
People knowing that life terrifies me.
People knowing that I put up a front.
People knowing about my gifts.
Worry itself.

Life: A Tea Party of Curious Emotion

-Nov 12 2010

Sometimes it seems as though I'm seeing everything in black and white. It's almost as if I'm trying to find that one thing that makes everything explode in COLOR. Who can say what that thing is? All I can do is keep going and watch lazily, eyes half opened, hoping that something amazing comes along and widens these eyes of mine. It's rather grim, but I'm not sad about it. It's just life. I always try to put a spin on it- imagine it in some wispy notion of a dream. Sleeping Beauty, waiting for her prince. Except I don't really care if it's a prince. Hell, if it gives me purpose, I don't care if it's a purple hippo with magneta polka dots.

I keep having the strangest dreams. The first one was about me and my cousin Sandy being locked in a library. We both had different tasks to do, and she was right there, but so very far away from me. I could see her, right down to the dust caught in her eyelashes, but I couldn't feel her at all. It made me very melancholy. Really, when I think about it, it's how I feel most days. Except, they feel real to me, but I don't feel real to myself. Illusions, illusions. It's really all what life is, huh? I've been missing my old memories so much lately. It's annoying how much I miss it. I'd hate to know what it would feel like if I actually remembered everything. I've been trying to distract myself from it, actually. To enthrall myself with humanity. It's funny, all of these people are so different, but all of the emotions going on inside are the same. It makes me feel bad for them. I wish I could make them all happy and at peace. But, I can only change a few of them at a time, if they let me.

Emotion is a funny thing. A painful, lovely, horrid, beautiful thing. At times I curse it, and at times I think emotion is a gift. I guess I'll never truly figure it out. It just is. Humans are tied in deeply, and it is what their gift is, but also their curse. It's the one thing I share with them. The one thing that keeps my mind anchored on the present. The music of life- the haunting melody that plays in everyone's mind...

The Lion and the Lamb

Life was so calm before you
Walking steadily thru the dim lit streets
Bravely, unafraid
You could hear the roar in my soul
When you looked into my eyes
Daring, daring, daring the world to make me feel

When you stumbled in my path, I figured this was nothing new
Many have tripped before my paws, they were nothing but another piece of meat
I looked down at you, smirking- you were so angry and afraid
But you stood tall, staring into my heart made of coal
Your ears were perked to its silent cries
Daring, daring, daring to melt my heart of steel

Even though I should of passed by, I couldn't bring myself to
Instead of walking away, I smiled and took a seat
Right next to where you had laid
Down before me, in a situation of which you had no control
You amazed me... you were already forming your ties
Daring, daring, daring- to make me feel

The Meaning of Life (The Wise Tomato)

Hey! Listen to me!

I'm a tomato.

I know what I'm doing.

Because I killed a owl once.

And my mother was a very wise potato.

She was an expert at mooing.

But she said I was an awful dunce.

I'm not though! I'm unusually juicy.

But listen close, and listen hard.

I was walking in the morning dew,

and I stepped in dog poo.

It stuck to my shoe.
I fell on my temperal lobe.
But anyway, I figured it out.

What life is all about.

A hippo told me-
to find the bird with the french fry.
And I did. She said something that made me cry.
But I figured it out!
I finally see- YEAH!
I shouldn't of killed that Owl.
He was the leader of the Mafia.

Equinox

A nightmare, a dream, the hunter, the prey-
Can you feel him approach?
He never comes during the light of day,
But creeps in the dark like a cockroach...
But he appears like the night sky,
though he makes you shrink back-
he will make you run, then make you fly,
on the wings that you lack.
Woe!
He sees your look of fascination clearly.
He is the lion to your doe-
You hate him, but also love him dearly.
Can you feel him under your skin?
Running through your veins,
Drugging you, like heroin,
Like cocaine.
You see him in your mind-
drawn onto the lids of your eyes,
and when you couldn't see him, you pined.
Hoping he would hear your cries,
and come, so you could kill him and end it all.
But only after aquiring his taste in your mouth.
But his death would only make you fall...
His ashes on the wind going South...
Is this love, or rage?
Boring through your soul-
He holds you in his cage,
smiling at your loss of control-
and gasping at the loss of his own.

Day and Night

Her hair is like spun gold.
It taunts me in the corner-
her yellow eyes hold,
While my grey eyes scorn her.
She's the sun, and I the moon-
And everyone can see...
I just make people think twice, but she makes them swoon.
I'm the doornob, but she's the key.
She makes flowers grow, makes the world warm.
I hold onto the tide and watch the monsters play.
She holds onto the breeze, and I the storm.
I am out in the dark sinning, when she is on her knees to pray.
Do not label us good or evil.
We are merely different, twins that turned out opposites.
Why paint us black and white on your easel?
Both of us are brightly lit.
Our worth is almost equal.

Voices

She's such a buffoon!
The voice in my head.
She's such a loon!

What has she said?

Well she mentioned forks.

Dull, pointy, straight to the point.

Kind of like pork.

Oink, oink.

She says she's a butterfly.

With lips as soft as sand.

If I contradict her, she cries.

The other voices think it's grand.

Burn Me Down

 I'm sitting here staring at your window
But you don't live there anymore
But I sit here, even though
Your gravestone chills me to the core
Burn me down, burn me down
The walls are crumbling here
And there's no shelter for me, dear
The place is condemned, burn it down
Burn me down, burn me down
Burn me down to the ground
I've been walking these haunted streets
Just looking for you, the ghost that isn't there
I keep waiting for us to meet
But your abscence strips my soul bare
Burn me down, burn me down
Burn me down to the ground
I can't cry for you, I can't cry for me
I can't cry for your eyes, your smell
I can't cry for us, what we used to be
Because crying would make this real
Burn me down, burn me down
Burn me down to the ground
Just burn me down to the ground

The Cronic Liar

Say cheese, Manwich!
Chemical byproducts dripping down the lens.
Don't blame him!
Poo, poo, sire.
The princess always pretends.
She's a cronic liar.
The pink elephant told her to do it.
After her leg got bitten off by that baboon.
And she fell down that bottomless pit.
But don't worry! She got rescused. By a racoon.
She's never been the same sense.
She lies and lies and doesn't hold back.
She's a loon!
Kind of like Zaboomafoo.
He visits me at tea time.
Although he locks himself in the loo,
He hasn't commited any other crime.
So you see, it wasn't his fault.
The princess made it up!

Fallen

 I awoke and felt hollow
The pictures in my mind arose, and began to breathe
It's kinda hard to swallow
All the gods in all the planets collided in my head
And I cried, and began to seethe
No one saw, and no one heard, they just followed lead
I stumbled out of hell and down the street
I stumbled over my feet as I ran away
But no matter how fast I ran, I was always beat
I tried to scream for a champion, but there was nothing to say
I tried to scream for god, but I was mute.
Consumed...
How can I show you the pain?
The pain of being ripped away..
How can I tell you to stay,
to listen to my agony?

CAN I GO HOME?
Wings are trapped, illusions set
Please take me home...
I ache to fly, I bleed to set things right
Is redemption only found in books?
Because redemption is harder than it looks..

Lost Love

This darkness, it eats me
beats me,
defeats me
I've lost it all before I had it
grabbed it
held it
Staring at the ceiling, hating the pattern
Hating the way it taunts me
More scars than the rings around saturn
More scars than you can see
Scarred like me
My fears are over now,
for you see, they've all come true
but you know,
or, you won't- ever know it's because of you
You made me, hate me
hate you, love you
Can you see me now
It's all for you
You're hiding in the shadows, unintentionally, accidentally
You've forgotten me, killing my memory
And I you- for I can't remember you mentally
But my soul still remembers the feel of you physically
I'm sorry, oh
I'm sorry, no

Ode to the Pattern of Life

 The sky is blue, the grass is green
This much I know
The deer will run, the horse will graze, the bird will preen
And the moonlight will glisten like starlight on the snow
The child will laugh, the crone will sigh
The mother will worry over her brood
We all will live, and then we'll die
Even though some will think the concept is crude
We all will suffer, we all will grin
We all will argue, we all will love
We all will offer a hand, then turn around and sin
We all will worry about our lives, and wonder what's watching from above
We all will listen with an awed fear as the wolf howls
And wish that we had that sort of freedom
And all that time, our hearts will yowl
And mourn over our boredom

Utter Foolishness (The Queen of Fools)

I'm lost.
The compass is twirling, round and round
but apparently, I can't see it.
My eyes are crossed?
I am crowned.
The Queen of Fools!
What a bloody twit.
Hey! Look me in the eyes!
I am on fire lit.
Am I a headcase?
Why are you looking at me that way?
Do I have something on my face?
Do you have something to say?
The Queen of Fools!
I bow to my oppressors.
I mutter. 'Fucking tools.'
They step on us who are lesser.
But are we in fact?
If I remember correctly, we all came from apes.

You! I've decided that you are sacked!

You dry your tears with the edges of your cape.

The Queen of Fools!

Is not amused.

And neither is The King of Pompousness.

Tsk. Tsk.

Where has this lead?

I cannot tell you.

They just cut off my head.

Masquerade

I am the crops you sow,
I am the rainbow,
I am the rain-
I am the sunlight on your windowpane.
I am the hopes lingering in your head,
but I'm also the monster under your bed.
I am the hope, but I am the pain too-
I am the critisism you hear, but also the croon-
I cause you joy, but also pain..
I can make you fly or wash you down the sink drain.
I can laugh, or I can scream-
Don't let my mask fool you, things aren't what they seem.
Do you think I like to be this way?
Soaring and sinking ships day after day?
My masqeraude is only the start-
I am already corroding your heart.

Contradictions

Save me, anon
Any daughter of a king or a farmer's son
Just do it before dawn
Now I've just been hangin' here, many long days
now just because I don't feel pain,
Don't mean I don't feel pain.
Think I've gone insane-
somethin' wrong with my brain
goin' down the drain
I don't want your shining knight
I don't want your bright shining light
I don't want to fight
Just want to live my life
Who spilt my beer?
Flashed back to life
People looking at me with a leer
It's just life
I shake off the feeling
Look at the ceiling
It's the me that I let you know
I never show, I have my reasons that I tow
Gotta save myself, you know?

Inevitable

Happy deathday to you, my dear
No, don't fear
This is inevitable.

Can't you understand that you shouldn't despair
I know they'll miss you, but don't shed a tear
For this is inevitable.

For many years you've walked around, or not that many at all
and every action affected the world, every action sent out a call
See, this is inevitable.

Now it's done, but it's not over- take my hand
Come with me, plan your next game, and again you'll stand
Because this is inevitable.

I don't understand the fuss you make
This life was only a second of the universe that you have yet to take
So take more, there's so much at stake
You must believe me, child, for this is inevitable.

Happy deathday to you, my dear
No, don't fear
It is only inevitable.

With You

Everything about him, runnin thru my head
runnin thru my head
runnin thru my head
Every smile, frown, movement, all the things he said
Every thing he said
Every thing he said
I feel him in my bloodstream
Trickling to my heart
Trickling to my heart
I see him when I shut my eyes
I can't shake him, he's got a head start
His grin invades my mind
Will I ever be free
Will I ever be free
Flashing back to his grin
When he was kissing me
When he showed me rapture in his smile
When he showed me rapture in his smile
Flying away to nirvana
Hoping I can keep this going for a while
As I look at the time and wish for just a moment more
Just a moment, just a minute
Just a moment, just a minute
With you, my dear heart
With you