Just Words

I am just one person. One person, in one town, in one county, in one state, in one country, in one world. My spirit is unknown to almost all of these other people, small and unknown like me- each their own secret island, with treasures galore hiding under their skin. I am just one person. I have hopes, and fears, and quirks. I love, and worry, and sometimes even loathe. I find joy in stupid things and pretend about silly things, and I also cry and feel- like you. I might seem different and unfeeling to some, but there are many things going on in my head. Joy, confusion, pain- so many different emotions swirling around like a typhoon... sometimes I have to stand very still and squeeze my eyes shut, for I can't figure out if I'm getting dizzy from it. It's all spiraling out of my control, and I'm grinning at this, for I'm surfing among the chaos, wondering what's going to happen next. Why make yourself sick over this chaos? Everything, everyone is mental! Including you. Including me. I've accepted it with a steady grace. To follow my heart, to follow my dreams, that's the only wish I have. To be a nomad. I wish to do things differently. To see life as it is, the glorious mix of light and dark. To live!

Things That Worry Me and/or Freak Me Out

Robert when he cries.
The thought of being betrayed by someone I love.
My mother and brother when they don't talk to me.
Chickens.
Streets with hooligans on them.
Hooligans.
Mom dying.
Ashley dying.
Robert dying.
Avery dying.
Him dying.
Crying.
People seeing me cry.
People seeing me showing weakness.
Feeling un-needed.
Shrinks trying to analyze my lack of emotions other than amused.
Mormans.
And/or Religious fanatics.
Meth. Angel Dust.
Being stalked.
Being loved.
Being loved by someone I don't love back.
World hunger.
War.
Politics.
Being in love.
Being replaced by a pod person.
Being replaced.
Living with my mother.
Being alone for all eternity.
Panic attacks.
Being invisible.
His face when he's mad at me.
People walking away.

And most of all:

People figuring out that I'm nothing close to brave.
People knowing that life terrifies me.
People knowing that I put up a front.
People knowing about my gifts.
Worry itself.

Life: A Tea Party of Curious Emotion

-Nov 12 2010

Sometimes it seems as though I'm seeing everything in black and white. It's almost as if I'm trying to find that one thing that makes everything explode in COLOR. Who can say what that thing is? All I can do is keep going and watch lazily, eyes half opened, hoping that something amazing comes along and widens these eyes of mine. It's rather grim, but I'm not sad about it. It's just life. I always try to put a spin on it- imagine it in some wispy notion of a dream. Sleeping Beauty, waiting for her prince. Except I don't really care if it's a prince. Hell, if it gives me purpose, I don't care if it's a purple hippo with magneta polka dots.

I keep having the strangest dreams. The first one was about me and my cousin Sandy being locked in a library. We both had different tasks to do, and she was right there, but so very far away from me. I could see her, right down to the dust caught in her eyelashes, but I couldn't feel her at all. It made me very melancholy. Really, when I think about it, it's how I feel most days. Except, they feel real to me, but I don't feel real to myself. Illusions, illusions. It's really all what life is, huh? I've been missing my old memories so much lately. It's annoying how much I miss it. I'd hate to know what it would feel like if I actually remembered everything. I've been trying to distract myself from it, actually. To enthrall myself with humanity. It's funny, all of these people are so different, but all of the emotions going on inside are the same. It makes me feel bad for them. I wish I could make them all happy and at peace. But, I can only change a few of them at a time, if they let me.

Emotion is a funny thing. A painful, lovely, horrid, beautiful thing. At times I curse it, and at times I think emotion is a gift. I guess I'll never truly figure it out. It just is. Humans are tied in deeply, and it is what their gift is, but also their curse. It's the one thing I share with them. The one thing that keeps my mind anchored on the present. The music of life- the haunting melody that plays in everyone's mind...

The Lion and the Lamb

Life was so calm before you
Walking steadily thru the dim lit streets
Bravely, unafraid
You could hear the roar in my soul
When you looked into my eyes
Daring, daring, daring the world to make me feel

When you stumbled in my path, I figured this was nothing new
Many have tripped before my paws, they were nothing but another piece of meat
I looked down at you, smirking- you were so angry and afraid
But you stood tall, staring into my heart made of coal
Your ears were perked to its silent cries
Daring, daring, daring to melt my heart of steel

Even though I should of passed by, I couldn't bring myself to
Instead of walking away, I smiled and took a seat
Right next to where you had laid
Down before me, in a situation of which you had no control
You amazed me... you were already forming your ties
Daring, daring, daring- to make me feel

The Meaning of Life (The Wise Tomato)

Hey! Listen to me!

I'm a tomato.

I know what I'm doing.

Because I killed a owl once.

And my mother was a very wise potato.

She was an expert at mooing.

But she said I was an awful dunce.

I'm not though! I'm unusually juicy.

But listen close, and listen hard.

I was walking in the morning dew,

and I stepped in dog poo.

It stuck to my shoe.
I fell on my temperal lobe.
But anyway, I figured it out.

What life is all about.

A hippo told me-
to find the bird with the french fry.
And I did. She said something that made me cry.
But I figured it out!
I finally see- YEAH!
I shouldn't of killed that Owl.
He was the leader of the Mafia.

Equinox

A nightmare, a dream, the hunter, the prey-
Can you feel him approach?
He never comes during the light of day,
But creeps in the dark like a cockroach...
But he appears like the night sky,
though he makes you shrink back-
he will make you run, then make you fly,
on the wings that you lack.
Woe!
He sees your look of fascination clearly.
He is the lion to your doe-
You hate him, but also love him dearly.
Can you feel him under your skin?
Running through your veins,
Drugging you, like heroin,
Like cocaine.
You see him in your mind-
drawn onto the lids of your eyes,
and when you couldn't see him, you pined.
Hoping he would hear your cries,
and come, so you could kill him and end it all.
But only after aquiring his taste in your mouth.
But his death would only make you fall...
His ashes on the wind going South...
Is this love, or rage?
Boring through your soul-
He holds you in his cage,
smiling at your loss of control-
and gasping at the loss of his own.

Day and Night

Her hair is like spun gold.
It taunts me in the corner-
her yellow eyes hold,
While my grey eyes scorn her.
She's the sun, and I the moon-
And everyone can see...
I just make people think twice, but she makes them swoon.
I'm the doornob, but she's the key.
She makes flowers grow, makes the world warm.
I hold onto the tide and watch the monsters play.
She holds onto the breeze, and I the storm.
I am out in the dark sinning, when she is on her knees to pray.
Do not label us good or evil.
We are merely different, twins that turned out opposites.
Why paint us black and white on your easel?
Both of us are brightly lit.
Our worth is almost equal.