Tell Me This

SCREAM. This scream, it echos through my skin
No, this one isn't agonizing
Over all of her sins
I am not fraternizing
with my demons, nor my own kind
I'm painstakingly alone
Alone in my own mind
Sitting on my throne
and dreaming of a happier time
Happiness... emotions are so faded
It seems like such a crime
My eyes, they look so jaded
As I peer at my reflection in the waters of my soul
I look like a faded tragedy, so disgusting, so perfect
I rise from the water and tell myself, to get across to the other side, I must provide a toll.
I'm clad in rags, and when I try to speak, it's in a different dialect
Why is this happening? Don't speak. Don't tell me.
I shut my eyes tightly, and await the hardening of my chrysalis
I am not ready. I cannot see.
Just await me, and when I awaken, tell me this...

Do things seem amiss?

The Lion

I'm pacing.
Walking back and forth, etching a trail into my innermost thoughts.
I'm growling.
Snarling, snapping at the concept- of being caged, being caught.
I am the she-wolf, running across the snow.
Amused at the flaws of mankind, disgusted at their invasion on my land.
I am the snake crawling low.
Afraid of the predators around me, and angry enough to protect my meager piece of sand.
I am the lion!
I roar!
I am trooping steadily on the Road to Zion,
awaiting my chance to spread my wings-
to soar.
Do not get in my way, do not attempt to stray in my path.
I beg you. Do not try to cage me.
For I am an animal. Quick to feel your attempts- and out of fear, show my wrath.

Hatred in Love

See me, please- don't close those beautiful eyes

Hear my words, my dark angel

Please- I won't ask you again

Look at me, please- don't tell those lies

Listen to mine first! Before you start on me, to mangle

Your existence is the father of all sins!

Don't look at me! I want to tear out those beautiful eyes... I'm sick of your boorish sighs

All of these emotions in me you do tangle

But I refuse to succumb and let you win

My love! You'll be flawless until you die!

I can't make up my mind! Whore- I can't keep faltering here. Dangle, dangle

Dangling over a cliff, by your hand. Your existence is such a sin...

You disgusting troll, don't look at me- i'm so tired of our lies...

Leave this place! Leave me! You've succeeded. We are both mangled.

Your face, my head. Look at all of our sins...

Hello, Goodbye

God, don't look me in the eyes
Because you'll see right thru to my soul
You'll see how it's face is red from crying
And how it's riddled with a multitude of holes
I try, and I try, and I try
Your silence taunts my heartstrings
and gives me even more reason to cry
But I won't cry over this, or other things
I will, however, silently weep on the inside
I'm trying to tightly clutch onto a reason to keep going
And I'm trying desperately not to hide
But it's very hard after knowing
That I'm here by myself
Leave me alone, I'm lonely- alone, I'm lonely
Secret's out
I'm full of doubt

Just Words

I am just one person. One person, in one town, in one county, in one state, in one country, in one world. My spirit is unknown to almost all of these other people, small and unknown like me- each their own secret island, with treasures galore hiding under their skin. I am just one person. I have hopes, and fears, and quirks. I love, and worry, and sometimes even loathe. I find joy in stupid things and pretend about silly things, and I also cry and feel- like you. I might seem different and unfeeling to some, but there are many things going on in my head. Joy, confusion, pain- so many different emotions swirling around like a typhoon... sometimes I have to stand very still and squeeze my eyes shut, for I can't figure out if I'm getting dizzy from it. It's all spiraling out of my control, and I'm grinning at this, for I'm surfing among the chaos, wondering what's going to happen next. Why make yourself sick over this chaos? Everything, everyone is mental! Including you. Including me. I've accepted it with a steady grace. To follow my heart, to follow my dreams, that's the only wish I have. To be a nomad. I wish to do things differently. To see life as it is, the glorious mix of light and dark. To live!

Things That Worry Me and/or Freak Me Out

Robert when he cries.
The thought of being betrayed by someone I love.
My mother and brother when they don't talk to me.
Chickens.
Streets with hooligans on them.
Hooligans.
Mom dying.
Ashley dying.
Robert dying.
Avery dying.
Him dying.
Crying.
People seeing me cry.
People seeing me showing weakness.
Feeling un-needed.
Shrinks trying to analyze my lack of emotions other than amused.
Mormans.
And/or Religious fanatics.
Meth. Angel Dust.
Being stalked.
Being loved.
Being loved by someone I don't love back.
World hunger.
War.
Politics.
Being in love.
Being replaced by a pod person.
Being replaced.
Living with my mother.
Being alone for all eternity.
Panic attacks.
Being invisible.
His face when he's mad at me.
People walking away.

And most of all:

People figuring out that I'm nothing close to brave.
People knowing that life terrifies me.
People knowing that I put up a front.
People knowing about my gifts.
Worry itself.

Life: A Tea Party of Curious Emotion

-Nov 12 2010

Sometimes it seems as though I'm seeing everything in black and white. It's almost as if I'm trying to find that one thing that makes everything explode in COLOR. Who can say what that thing is? All I can do is keep going and watch lazily, eyes half opened, hoping that something amazing comes along and widens these eyes of mine. It's rather grim, but I'm not sad about it. It's just life. I always try to put a spin on it- imagine it in some wispy notion of a dream. Sleeping Beauty, waiting for her prince. Except I don't really care if it's a prince. Hell, if it gives me purpose, I don't care if it's a purple hippo with magneta polka dots.

I keep having the strangest dreams. The first one was about me and my cousin Sandy being locked in a library. We both had different tasks to do, and she was right there, but so very far away from me. I could see her, right down to the dust caught in her eyelashes, but I couldn't feel her at all. It made me very melancholy. Really, when I think about it, it's how I feel most days. Except, they feel real to me, but I don't feel real to myself. Illusions, illusions. It's really all what life is, huh? I've been missing my old memories so much lately. It's annoying how much I miss it. I'd hate to know what it would feel like if I actually remembered everything. I've been trying to distract myself from it, actually. To enthrall myself with humanity. It's funny, all of these people are so different, but all of the emotions going on inside are the same. It makes me feel bad for them. I wish I could make them all happy and at peace. But, I can only change a few of them at a time, if they let me.

Emotion is a funny thing. A painful, lovely, horrid, beautiful thing. At times I curse it, and at times I think emotion is a gift. I guess I'll never truly figure it out. It just is. Humans are tied in deeply, and it is what their gift is, but also their curse. It's the one thing I share with them. The one thing that keeps my mind anchored on the present. The music of life- the haunting melody that plays in everyone's mind...